Ripped By mstoll
Happy anniversary!
Oh, don't say you've forgotten.
It's the 23rd. Seven years since you and Oliver first started living together.
Oh, Carole, thank you.
But we are married now, aren't we?
Oh, how stupid of me. Of course it's wedding anniversaries from now on, isn't it?
Mm. Still, it's very sweet of you.
No, I should have thought. Give it back. I'll save it for six months.
- Hey! - Only joking.
Mind you, it's going to be difficult to forget this date, isn't it?
You know, when you and Oliver first crept between the...
Sorry.
- He won't mind me remembering, will he? - Oh, no. Of course not.
The 23rd was the beginning of six very marvellous years,
but the wedding day is the beginning of...
- Well... - The rest of your life.
- I hope so, Carole. - Lucky girl.
- Oh, by the way, did he remember? - Who? Oliver?
- Mm. - Did he ever?
(Mumbles calculations)
Oliver! Sorry. You're busy.
Oh, no, Ken. No, no, I always check the weekly accounts when I'm relaxing.
I won't keep you, it's just that...
Well, I think Betty Prentiss and I are about to make beautiful music together.
- Oh, really? - Yeah. She just spoke to me.
It wasn't her usual, "Excuse me, do you know you're standing on my foot?"
- No? - No.
She said, "Excuse me, Mr Marsh, do you know you're standing on my foot?"
It's a definite step forward.
Be even more of a step forward if you didn't stand on her foot!
I want to take her out to dinner tomorrow.
I've heard you talk about this place that you and Sandy often go to.
- Le Cheval Noir. - Le Cheval?
Noir. It's a French place run by Germans.
- Thanks. - Hey, do you mind?
Sorry.
Le Cheval Noir. I took Sandy there the very first night she ever stayed at my place...
- Hey, what's the date today? - 23rd.
The 23rd?
I've remembered and she hasn't!
Our anniversary.
Seven years ago today, we had our first horizontal snog.
Every year, for six years, on this particular day of the year,
Sandy has smiled a funny smile over her poached egg.
No, not like that, no.
She's produced a present and said, "Happy anniversary, darling."
I've sat there with my mouth open. It's worse than Magnus Magnusson. You can't say, "Pass."
But she didn't smile any funny smile this morning. Why? She's forgotten!
Thanks very much, Ken.
You're welcome. Le Cheval Noir.
I shall book a secluded table for this very evening.
- Oh, good luck there tomorrow. - Thanks.
Otto? Oliver Pryde.
Anniversary time is here again.
Tonight. So you can start attacking the giant prawns and introduce the snails to the garlic.
Merci bien. Dankeschön.
Now, are you sure you don't mind about tonight?
No, of course not, Audrey.
I always said I'd baby-sit for you, didn't I?
Well, I don't want to go out, I'm so tired and I hate dinner dances,
but it's Mike's firm's anniversary and Mike and I have been put on his boss's table.
Ooh! Well, as long as you don't drop off and slip under it.
And you're sure it'll be all right with Oliver?
Yes, of course. I'll just give him a large whisky,
switch on the telly and he won't even notice I've gone.
Oh, thanks ever so much, Sandy. I'll do the same for you, one day.
What? Baby-sit? With me married to a man
that makes me cross the road so I don't have to pass Mothercare?
Sandy?
Darling?
Oh, hello, darling. I wondered where you were.
I am sorry, darling.
There was a terrible queue at the supermarket.
- Oh, I thought we might eat out. - What? Oh, well, that's very nice of you, but...
- Le Cheval Noir? - Ooh, that's a bit expensive, isn't it?
Garlic snails and giant prawns.
Well, yes, lovely, darling, but I've got this individual cottage pie.
I'd rather have half a dozen individual snails, in their own cottages.
Sandy...
Darling, just stand still for a moment and, er... take stock.
Oh, darling.
(Sniffs)
They're lovely.
Oh, I'll arrange those later.
- What's the date? - Look in the paper.
Oh, I...
- I didn't get a paper. - Yes, you did, it's on the ta...
Oh, well, it's the 23rd.
Oh, the 23rd? Is it the 23rd? The 23rd? Oh, is...
Listen to me, Oliver. Tonight, I have promised Audrey...
- Could you just... - Happy anniversary.
The 23rd.
You'd forgotten, hadn't you?
- No. - Come on, now, you had, admit it.
What do you think the flower arrangement was for and me talking about the restaurant?
Look at that. Eh?
You didn't even remember when I harped on about the date.
- I did remember. - Just for once, it slipped...
- You did remember? - I wasn't going to mention it.
- Well, we've got another anniversary now. - Have we?
Wedding anniversary.
Oh, yes, but this is much more important.
Why?
Well, we've been celebrating the 23rd today for six years.
- The dreary old wedding is only six months old. - The dreary old wedding!
No. I didn't mean dreary... Today celebrates the day we met, Sandy.
Well, not the day we met, but the day we first...
It wasn't the day, really, it was the night. We'll celebrate both. How about that?
Then, with birthdays and Christmases, as well, I shouldn't think we'll ever sober up.
Here we are, darling.
And for me.
- Cheers. - I'm baby-sitting tonight.
- Baby-sitting? - Yes. For Audrey and Mike.
I said I'd be there at half-past six.
Well, I'm sorry, darling, but I didn't think you'd remember today.
Do you mean to say you were going to let the glorious 23rd slip past
with a glass of milk and an individual cottage pie?
- Come with me, if you like. - To baby-sit? That's really whooping it up.
Sitting in somebody else's house surrounded by damp nappies,
listening to the sort of noises a baby produces without even saying pardon?
- Audrey says he's very quiet. - All babies make noises, Sandy.
And like a cricket captain, they have a choice of ends.
- I'll get your supper. - I've booked my supper.
- I've reserved a table at Le Cheval Noir. - Well, cancel.
I'm not going to cancel. I'm going to celebrate, even if I have to celebrate it on my own.
- All right, darling. - I am, you know.
Or I might search out that little red address book I used
before you gave me a reason for having anniversaries.
You do what you like.
- Perhaps you'd rather I didn't come home. - No, no, no, no. You come home.
Oh, thank you very much.
- Of course I can't guarantee I shall be here. - No, no, of course not.
I mean, we might go on somewhere.
Yes.
Or I might take her back to her place.
- Yes. - Or both.
Well, you enjoy yourselves.
Thank you.
Look, I am sorry about tonight, darling.
Yes, well, me too.
Now, listen, Mike and Audrey are not on the phone, but their address is in our book.
Why should I want their address? My friend and I are hardly likely to drop in for milk and prunes.
No, I thought it was just in case you...
- Oh, never mind. - Happy baby-sitting.
Norma Copley. Phwoar!
MIKE: She's just a friend of mine! AUDREY: You've done this before!
- I've never done this before. - Yes, you have! Yes, you have.
MIKE: What's the matter with you... - (Doorbell)
(Arguing stops)
Oh. Sandy.
Well, you did say 6:30.
- What? - To baby-sit.
Oh, yes. Baby-sit.
Well, if I'm going to sit, I'd better have a chair.
Oh. Yes. Come in.
- Hello. - Hi.
- You know Mike. - Yes. Of course.
- Hadn't you better get changed, Audrey? - She's not going.
Oh, really?
Oh, well, it was nice to see you both.
- Please, Audrey? - Oh, dear!
- Bye. - Sandy.
I think she's exercising a lady's prerogative.
- Now, don't twist her arm, Mike. - Audrey?
- Oh, I'm sorry, darling. - No, I'm sorry, darling.
- Sorry, Sandy. - Sorry.
Sorry I have to go or sorry I have to stay?
I'll go and get changed.
She thought I didn't want her to come.
- And so he asked Belinda. - Now, look, Audrey...
Oh, you fixed it all up with Belinda.
- It didn't have to be Belinda. - It's always Belinda.
- What do you mean? - If you want Belinda, you can have Belinda!
- Can he? - Yes, he can!
Good night.
I've cancelled Belinda. I don't suppose she'll ever speak to me again.
- See you! - Sandy.
Look, will you promise me never to see her again?
Now, don't make rash promises, Mike.
I promise.
It's Oliver.
Oliver Pryde.
P-R-Y-D-E.
Pryde, yes.
Well, Rebecca... What?
O-L-I-V-E-R.
Oliver, yes. Well, of course it was a long time ago.
You may be married to a very possessive husband and who should blame him...
Divorced?
Oh, Rebecca, I'm so sorry.
What I suggest is dinner tonight...
What? No. I was thinking of Le Cheval Noir, it's...
Do they serve what?
Macrobiotic food? No, no, no, no. They have snails and steaks and prawns.
Brown rice and lentil croquettes?
Hey, listen, Rebecca, you never used to be a health nut.
No, no, I didn't mean a nut.
Hello? Rebecca?
- Evening, Mr Pryde. - Evening, Otto.
- No Mrs Pryde? - Er, she's not well.
I'm so sorry. So, you wish to cancel?
Yes. Er, no.
- You take away? - No.
Is Mrs Pryde well enough to eat?
I am eating on my own.
- On my own. - On your own?
- Yes. My wife insisted. - Really?
She's a wonderful woman, your wife, Mr Pryde.
Is she? Oh, yes, of course she is.
- So brave. - Yes, well, I'll make a start, Otto.
Your anniversary dinner?
Yes.
You are a brave person too, Mr Pryde.
(Sniffs)
Mr Pryde, as you see, we are very crowded tonight.
Would you mind if a single lady took that seat?
A single lady? No, no. Not at all.
Thank you very much.
I'm sorry, madam, but there has been no party booking in that name tonight.
Bitte schön, Fräulein.
Well, I mean, even if he wanted to celebrate tonight, he wouldn't do it on his own, would he?
Not that, strictly speaking, tonight is an anniversary, but I've told you that, Philip.
(Cries)
Oh, I am sorry. Patrick.
Well, I mean, you wouldn't go out eating on your own, would you?
Would you take someone else with you?
- Would you? - (Burps)
Is she here?
- Who? - Audrey.
With...
sautéed potatoes
and, er... cauliflower in cheese sauce.
Bitte schön.
He doesn't want to come out, does he?
They're not killed in there, are they?
I mean, in their own little house.
No.
Only, it would be terrible, wouldn't it?
Imagine sitting in your sitting room, deciding what to watch on television,
when, suddenly, someone wodges up your front door
with a huge wodge of garlic butter and parsley.
Ha ha ha!
I was amazed to see Belinda there.
Suddenly, there she is, sitting directly opposite us.
Well, Audrey went spare. Belinda and I had a thing once before I married Audrey.
Ah.
Anyway, Audrey suddenly decides she wants to powder her nose
and doesn't come back.
I know you women always take hours, but...
Oh. Sorry.
So I checked the ladies' loo, which is pretty embarrassing.
She only went in to collect her coat.
I can't phone this damn place, because Mrs Thing next door is engaged.
Ah, hell, Sandy.
Thank God I've got someone to talk to.
Would you mind my asking a personal question?
When a man, a personable gentleman, is eating on his own...
Well, I mean, I was wondering, possibly as you were wondering about me.
I'm married, if that's what you're wondering.
Oh, snap.
Oh, I am right.
My wife is baby-sitting for a friend, as a matter of fact...
Baby-sitting? Have you any children of your own?
- No. - Oh.
Well, I hope it doesn't make her broody. Oh ho ho!
Where can she be, Sandy?
I don't know, Mike.
Look, erm, Oliver and I had a bit of a tiff before I came out...
Blasted women!
Oliver is a man, actually.
I would like to get back and make it up.
Oh, er, yes, of course.
- Get back home or the restaurant. - Restaurant?
Yes, he's probably celebrating our anniversary.
- You never mentioned an anniversary. - Well, it isn't, really. Well, it was.
But it isn't now. You see?
Well, except for him. If you see what I mean?
No.
No. Well, I'm just a blasted woman, aren't I?
Oliver?
Darling?
...no, but what a coincidence.
My husband is baby-sitting, too.
We'd planned to eat out together, but the baby-sitter let us down.
Guess why?
She's pregnant.
We've got four children, you know.
Yes, well, we're not planning on a family. Ever.
Neither was I... till I baby-sat.
Now, wait a minute.
Oliver, this is not...
- Ahem. - Is this your idea of an anniversary, Oliver?
Er, excuse me.
Are you?
Oh, no. No. I'm going on a diet.
Yeah?
Half a dozen snails, please.
What?
Oh. Sorry.
Just a coffee.
No, but once you do have a child and perhaps two or three more...
Oh, they're such a blessing.
Except on nights like this, of course, when the baby-sitter falls through.
Excuse me, I've just remembered my own baby-sitter.
Sorry, Otto. Could you keep the prawns hot till tomorrow? I'll bring my wife, settle the bill then.
Excellent snails.
Excellent. Oh, God.
A tea, please.
I'm waiting for my husband.
Oh, yeah?
Well...
Perhaps I could keep you company till he gets here.
Well, he shouldn't be long. His was the second bout at the wrestling.
Audrey and Mike Black, 23 Fairlawn Court.
Got it.
23 Fairlawn Court. As quick as you can, please.
- Where's Sandy? - Where's Audrey?
She ducked out on me at the dinner. I've been going mad. Hold the fort while I get to a phone.
- What about Sandy? - She went home.
- But... - (Patrick cries)
Oh, my God.
The Original Herbal Pillow.
(Sniffs) Hm.
This guarantees you sleep on the nights that I snore.
Positively not to be used on anniversaries.
Thank you, my darling, for sharing my non-herbal pillow seven years ago tonight.
Fondest love, Oliver.
(Patrick cries)
It's no use moaning at me, cos I don't know what to do, so save your breath.
You're not a good advertisement for babies, you know that, don't you?
If you keep on like this, you could turn a potential parent right off.
If you turn too many people off, well, there won't be anyone of your own age to play with.
(Continues crying)
Look, this is my anniversary. Do you know that? And you are killing it.
If you keep this up, I shall personally come round and ruin one of your birthday parties.
- (Doorbell) - That could be your mother.
Will you kindly not make it look as though I've beaten you up?
- Mrs Pryde? - No, I'm Mr Pryde.
Oh, I see what you mean. You want Mrs Pryde?
I don't, but that baby's mother does. She's on the phone.
- I didn't hear it ring. - She's on my phone.
Very inconvenient.
I told her, "Emergencies only."
I could be in the middle of something private.
Could you? I mean, were you?
- Tell her. - You were in the middle of something private?
- That it's inconvenient. - Oh, yes.
Hello.
- Who's that? - Oliver.
Oliver? Where's Sandy?
I've no idea. When I arrived, Mike dashed out to ring you, I think.
Oh, I'm at my mother's.
He's probably getting the engaged signal at this very moment.
- I'll ring off, then. - No, no, no. Come back here.
I'm listening to your baby practising to be a town crier.
- Oh, try putting him over your shoulder. - I might throw him over my shoulder.
Look, if we could just pop back to the dinner dance, sort things out with Mike's boss,
then we'll come straight back to you.
- Audrey? Au... - Bye.
(Line goes dead)
You never told her it was inconvenient.
Oh, sorry.
Audrey? No, she's gone.
- Well, I told her, emergencies only. - (Crying)
- Excuse me. Emergency! - If she wants a phone, let her get one...
Mrs Pryde! Your husband said you were ill.
Oh, did he? Well, I'm better now.
Oh, good, but what a shame.
Your husband has left and went to a baby-sitter.
Oh, to Audrey's.
Oh, thank you very much, Otto.
Ahem! Just because you can't get a husband of your own
does not excuse you going out with other people's.
Where's this burp, eh?
Come on. Just a gentle one.
I don't want you throwing up down my back.
Oh, blimey, you're awake.
Would you like to bring it up sitting down? Here we are.
Right. Sit down there.
I can leave, you know.
I can.
I can walk straight out of here
and I can close the door
and you can yell away and it won't be going through anyone's head except your own.
Right, pudding face, you've got half a minute to shut up.
At the end of that time, I'm going to go straight out of this door and...
(Stops crying)
That is much better.
Yes, it is.
You know who's boss now, eh, do you?
Are you going to keep quiet and go back to bed?
Go on, then. Run along.
(Burps)
Oh, that's a good chap.
That was a good burp. Better out than in, eh?
In 20 years' time, I can see you winning contests in your local.
I wouldn't really have left you. You know that, don't you? I was only pretending.
- (Squeals) - Actually, you're not bad for a baby.
You're quite a nice chap, except when you're all red and puffy in the face.
Here now. How's that? Nice and comfy?
Yes. You're quite a nice chap. Yes, you are.
You are quite a nice chap. Yes, you are.
You are quite a nice chap.
- Oliver. - Ah!
Oh, Sandy.
Were you talking to Patrick?
No.
Well, erm...
- I thought you didn't like babies. - Oh, I don't. Yuk. Yuk.
I mean... Sorry.
Well, he's... he's stopped crying.
I got him to stop crying.
Didn't I, soldier? He knows who's boss.
Yes, he's had a good burp and he's let me put him down and...
and look at that, Sandy.
He's smiling!
- Aw, so he is. - Yes, yes.
- It's not just wind, is it? - No.
No.
- He's a lovely baby, isn't he? - He's a lovely baby, isn't he?
He never takes his eyes off you. Have you noticed?
Never takes his eyes off me, do you?
You'd make a marvellous father, darling.
You'd make a marvellous...
- Father? - Well...
You are getting broody.
- You're broody. - I am not.
Oliver, you had a silly smile all over your face.
- Speak for yourself. - Oh, Oliver.
Bringing up one baby burp does not constitute broodiness.
Well, we can't leave it too late.
Too late? For me, the start of a family will always be too early.
Marriage means nothing to you, does it?
- What? - I mean, you spurn the wedding anniversary.
You rush off to that little red address book of yours and you took that girl to our restaurant.
- That girl? - Don't lie to me. I saw you through the window.
That girl was a total stranger. That girl was put at my table because it was the only spare seat.
That girl never stopped talking about her family. I've had babies the whole damn night.
You mean, you really didn't know her?
No.
Oh, darling.
I am sorry.
- I'll never doubt you again, I promise. - Good.
Thank you very much for my lovely herbal pillow.
That's all right.
- Your letter made me cry. - Did it?
Mm.
Will you forgive me? Please?
All right. If you stop all this baby talk.
- No more baby talk. - All right.
Ah, well, it hasn't exactly been the anniversary I'd hoped for, but we'll certainly remember it.
- I shall remember the garlic. - Oh. Sorry.
No wonder that baby shut up.
- Oh, he is a lovely little chap, though, isn't he? - Ah-ah-ah! No baby talk.
- That isn't baby talk. - Talking about babies is baby talk.
- Oliver, if I can't even mention a baby... - You know what I mean.
No, I don't always. I don't always understand you, Oliver.
You understand my views about babies.
- I understand I want one and you don't. - Good. That's a step forward.
- Oliver, sometimes you can be very selfish. - Who remembered the anniversary?
- It isn't an anniversary. - I'll have my pillow back.
- Fine. It will go with the garlic. - (Doorbell)
(Sighs)
Oh, Mr Pryde, as I did you a favour with my phone,
I wonder if you'd listen for my Christine.
- Your Christine? - My baby daughter.
Only I've just remembered it's my brother's wedding anniversary.
I thought it was tomorrow and I'd like to take him a little present. He only lives round the corner.
- That's all right. - This is my wife.
Well, that's very kind.
- Only, anniversaries are important, aren't they? - Are they?
- Well, off you go. We can cope. - Thanks.
- Bye. - Bye.
(Crying)
That's your baby.
Hey, now, listen.
Ripped By mstoll